Teenagers go through a stage where they separate from parents in order to establish their own identities. Letting go and disciplining teenagers at the same time isn’t easy for anyone, but prioritizing what is and what isn’t a crisis helps smooth the way. A messy room might be easier to overlook than breaking a curfew for example.
Teens and Risk Taking
Unfortunately teenagers are notorious for taking more risks because they tend to feel invincible. Although they look like adults, younger teens live in the present like children. Because of this, they will not be likely to see long-term consequences. This is another reason disciplining teenagers is necessary but challenging.
Giving Teenagers Limits
They won’t like it and they may rally against it, but every teenager needs limits. If teens limit testing is ignored, they may escalate their behavior until it becomes a discipline problem and someone stops them.
Now is not the time to be the “cool’ parent or friend. If Jack or Jane are allowed to stay out all night, children might be mad that they’re not, but this isn’t a popularity contest.
Punishments Versus Discipline
Punishments focus on making teenagers pay for disobeying, but don’t necessarily fix the problem. Shame, fear and force are negative aspects that are often involved in punishments.
When teens are scared of an imagined punishment, they could simply learn how to avoid getting caught rather than how not to repeat the behavior. If a punishment is used, it’s important to try to connect it with the unwanted behavior.
Providing consequences with discipline allows teenagers to participate in solving their own problems. For example if they wreck a neighbor’s garden, they could apologize and then volunteer to replant any smashed flowers. This teaches respect for others, allows the teen to learn from their mistake and feel good about the outcome.
Other Tips for Disciplining Teens:
- Be sensitive to correcting teenagers in public. They won’t be as receptive and it will only fuel their anger and embarrassment. Wait until there’s privacy available if possible.
- Try to avoid reacting immediately with threats that aren’t realistic to follow up on. This also allows parents time to calm down so they don’t appear irrational or inconsistent when attempting to discipline teenagers.
- Teenagers get tired and stressed just like everyone else. Jumping on them as soon as they come in the door won’t be as effective as having a discussion over hot chocolate later.
- It’s important for parents to keep communication open so that when there’s a problem, their teenager will feel safe talking about it. If a teenager is still not comfortable talking and is clearly distressed, consider an aunt, older cousin or guidance counselor to assist him or her with the problem.
- Show teens respect and they will likely reciprocate. This involves listening and sometimes compromising so that everybody wins.
- Parents should know where their teens are, who they’re with and when they’ll be home. If they don’t, it leads teens to be more susceptible to their peers, especially if they’re at an unsupervised party. This is an easy way to help avoid discipline problems.
More on parenting:
How to Enforce a Child's Bedtime Routine
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
Sources:
Coloroso, Barbara. Parenting With Wit and Wisdom in Times of Chaos and Loss. Penguin Group, 1999.
Spock, Dr. Benjamin. Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, (Updated by Dr. Robert Needleman). Pocket, 2004
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